Grief & Loss

Traumatic grief is not only about who or what has been lost, it is about how the loss was experienced by the body and brain at the time. 

And grief does not only follow death. The loss of a relationship, a version of someone you loved, a future you believed in, or a self that was slowly dismantled — these are real losses, and they live in the body in exactly the same way.

When a death or loss is sudden, shocking, violent, or deeply overwhelming, the nervous system may not have had the chance to process it. Instead of grief unfolding gradually, it can become stuck, fragmented, or frozen, leaving you feeling caught in moments that won’t settle.

People living with traumatic grief often tell me:

“It's like I’m stuck in the moment it all happened.”

“Images or sensations come back out of nowhere.”

“It's like a part of me knows they’re gone, but another part of me doesn’t.”

This can feel confusing and lonely, especially when others expect grief to follow a predictable path.

There is a particular kind of grief that is rarely spoken about — and rarely acknowledged by those around you.

The grief of a relationship that involved narcissistic abuse, coercive control, or betrayal. The grief not just of losing the person, but of losing the version of them you thought existed. The future you had imagined. The years you invested. The self you were before the relationship began its quiet erosion.

This grief is complicated by the fact that it is often invisible to others. 

Because the relationship may have looked fine from the outside. Because the person you are grieving is still alive — and possibly flourishing, apparently unaffected. Because some people may not understand why you are not simply relieved to be out of something harmful.

And because mixed into the grief is often anger, confusion, shame, and a self-questioning that makes the grieving harder — was it really that bad? Am I overreacting? Why does it still hurt this much?

This is ambiguous grief. And it is one of the most isolating experiences there is.

It is also a grief that heals. Not quickly, not linearly, not in the way others expect or in the timeframe they are comfortable with. But it heals. And the body needs support to do that work — not just understanding, but a space where the grief can actually move.

Traumatic grief usually includes a mix of grief and trauma responses. 

You might notice:

• Intrusive images, memories, or sensory flashes

• Shock, numbness, or a sense of unreality

• Anxiety, panic, or sudden waves of distress

• Difficulty sleeping or settling your body

• Guilt, blame, or looping “if only” thoughts

• Feeling emotionally frozen or unable to access your feelings

• A grief that others do not fully recognise — because the loss was relational rather than a death, or because the relationship looked fine from the outside

None of this means you are grieving in the wrong way. It means your nervous system is still holding an experience that was too much, too fast.

Many people with traumatic grief have already talked about their loss many times. They understand what happened, yet their body still reacts as if it’s happening now.

This is because traumatic grief is often held below words, in the deeper parts of the brain and nervous system that are responsible for survival.

Brainspotting works directly with these deeper levels. By gently focusing on where your system naturally holds the experience, Brainspotting helps your brain and body to process what was overwhelmed or interrupted, without forcing you to relive or explain everything.

Clients often describe Brainspotting as:

• Helping their nervous system settle

• Softening and easing the intensity of images or body reactions

• Allowing emotions to move instead of feeling stuck

• Creating a sense of internal steadiness and safety

In our work together, there is no pressure to move on, make sense of the loss, or grieve in a particular way.

For those whose grief involves relational trauma — the grief of narcissistic abuse, betrayal, or a relationship that slowly dismantled your sense of self — we work at the pace the body allows, with particular attention to the layers of grief that are specific to these dynamics. The grief of what was real. The grief of what was not. The grief of who you were before it began.

Using Brainspotting, sessions are gentle, paced, and guided by your nervous system. Some may feel quiet and spacious; others may feel emotional or intense. We go at a speed that feels right for you, always with care and attunement.

As trauma responses begin to soften, many people notice that their grief becomes more accessible - less frightening and less overwhelming. 

There is often more room to breathe, feel, and live alongside the grief, rather than feeling consumed by it.

If you are living with traumatic grief, there is nothing wrong with you. Your system responded exactly as it needed to in the face of overwhelming loss.

If your grief is for a relationship rather than a death — if you are grieving a person who is still alive, a future that no longer exists, or a self that went missing somewhere inside the relationship — that grief is just as real. Just as valid. And just as deserving of a space to be held.

If something in what you've read feels close to where you are — you are welcome to reach out. There is no pressure, and no expectation that you have the words for it yet.